a lot of things on my mind.

1) boyfriend’s parents went to wales. we have the house to ourselves, minus his little brother who’s actually only a year younger than me. it’s crazy how fast him and his family have just absorbed me as a fixture in their lives, but nobody even seems to question it. i love how we live when left to our own devices, coexisting independently but enjoying each others’ presence. naked in the kitchen, smoking weed in the shower, loading the dishwasher and feeding the cats and enjoying the novelty of it all. and really, this all started only a month ago - three years of casual, platonic friendship set the stage for this, i guess. there’s been so much controversy surrounding it, and that’s only made us closer, strengthened us. early on we were forced to decide whether it was worth sacrificing a few friendships for, and now we never have to question whether the other one is fully invested in it. we’ve been into each other on and off for the whole time we’ve known each other, but the timing has never been right - i guess it is now, and i think it happened this late for a reason. part of me feels like we’ve been tested with all of this stressful, dramatic bullshit in order to make us realize how strongly we feel, reenforce how important this will be for both of us. and we’ve already changed the course of each others’ lives. he’s a year older than me, so he’ll be graduating in spring - we both want to go to washington, we had matching post-highschool plans even before we became an us. maybe that’s a sign. maybe it’s meant to carry over into the real world. maybe it can be a real life grown up relationship? we’ve always been the mature, self-sufficient ones in our group of friends. maybe we’ll be the first ones to build something that lasts.

2) I want Taco Bell.

SO much of my life has become incredibly controversial, I know that if I were honest about everything on my main tumblr, anybody finding it could be my downfall. It’d just be a disaster. So I’ll keep everything here for a while, maybe. I just want to have a chronicle.

As of today, I am officially a girlfriend.

I hate that word. I’m normally not ok with that position.

But it doesn’t matter, I’m sososososhappy.

Like 12 year old schoolgirl giddy.

Aww. :]

i live a secret life so as not to let anyone down.

I feel like the entire fucking universe is ganging up on me, making assumptions about the things I do and judging me to be a bitch. But every time I try to explain myself or fight back, I just drag myself in deeper, because I just hate confrontation. And that’s what comes of  my approach to life - I’m always questioning myself, always trying to be better, apologizing to people who deserve it even if it’s hard. Sometimes people don’t deserve it, but I always tend to think I do. Really, I think that trait is essential to being a healthy human being - never assuming you’re right, always trying to look at the situation from someone else’s perspective. But sometimes I wish it didn’t matter, mostly I wish people would just drop it and leave me alone.

i’m glad i didn’t delete this tumblr once i realized that having a second one for reblogs was totally superfluous. i need a place to be able to speak my mind unabashedly, where i won’t be terrified of someone discovering my honest thoughts. i know it’s weird that there’s such a dichotomy between the things i’ll tell strangers on the internet and the things i feel comfortable with my real life friends knowing, but that’s just the way it is. out in the ‘real world’, people get to know each other whilst concealing their insecurities and inner thoughts, but here, that’s how we make acquaintance. i think that might be why. there’s also the issue that posting my thoughts where everyone could read them would incite massive amounts of fighting and conclusions drawn far too quickly. i hate that i have to bury them within the recesses of tumblr, but that’s just how it has to be.

sophie’s attention span 09